“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power or our will. ”
I’m pretty sure you know by now that no, it is not that bloody simple. The difficulty arises precisely in making the distinction of what’s in our power and what not.
Alfred Adler, one of the founding members of the Vienna’s Psychoanalytic Society as long with Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, claimed in his all too controversial at the time “individual psychology” that all problems are really just interpersonal-relationship problems.
But, really? Can you really go so far as to claim that every problem is an interpersonal-relationship problem?
Example. Let’s say that X person is working for a huge company and just two days ago, he messed up really, really bad. He made the company lose half a million dollars due to a stupid decision he took. He has a huge, huge problem and apparently, on the surface level, the problem is that the company will lose money, but deep down, his worries are quite different. When he goes to bed he cannot stop thinking about arriving the next day and having to look everyone in the face, especially his boss, who will be furious. In reality, his problems spring from interpersonal relationships.
Interesting isn’t it? Something to think about. My point here, coming back to the distinction between things that are under our control and things that are not, is too clarify it a little more, using Adler’s concept of separation of tasks.
The reason we are often unhappy as Epictetus cleverly claimed is that we cannot make this distinction and so we worry about things that shouldn’t even concern us. The separation of tasks is another way of thinking about what you can control and cannot.
In a love relationship, for example, your task is to love, you cannot make the other person love you, or, well, you can, by being lovable yourself first. But the imposition, saying: “she should do this or he should do that”, is wanting to take the other person task.
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
When you separate tasks, first, you identify your own task and then you identify the role or task of the other person, and then you separate it.
Once you do this, you’ll realize how much more it really is that you can actually do instead of waiting for other people to do whatever thing you expect them to do. If you are clever enough, you can always find a way in which you can act to come about anything you want, but knowing the distinction of up to which point you can do so is what will give you peace because you’ll know you’ve done your part.
Coming back to all problems being interpersonal problems, this Adlerian methodology comes very useful, because problems stop being problems, the only problem you are left with is with whether you do or you do not do your task and my friend, that’s always under your complete control.
Want to read some more: On life Navigation
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